Monday, March 31, 2008

The Internet: it's not just for porn..


It's there to help burglars too.

It's been 5 years since I moved into Connolly Towers and for that length of time, the window in one of the rooms has been locked. When I moved in I wasn't given a key for it and it was several months before I realised I couldn't open it..

I was getting some keys cut the other day and while there the key man told me that there could be upwards of 40 different keys that would work and unless I could get the casing from the handle in to him he wouldn't really be able to help me.. But there's always a way, isn't there, so I came back to the office, googled 'how to pick a lock' anmd this little video came up on youtube. And it worked!

I went home on Saturday evening, got a couple of hair clips and withing 5 seconds it was done.. The window was open and the room was aired for the first time in several years. Hurrah!

Friday, March 21, 2008

This One's Gonna Bruges


I've always had a problem with films that present criminals as protagonists. It doesn't matter what they're crimes are because by the time you've spent 2 hours in their company, you invariably end up rooting for them. The best example I can think of is Tony Soprano. No bigger thieving, murdering, unfaithful, double-crossing misogynist could you find in popular entertainment and yet the audience sees something in his humanity that makes them forgive and hope for better for the character.

Which leads me to In Bruges which gives us not one, but two Irish hitmen as the central characters. I can't say I agree with most of what I've been reading about it (relentlessly hilarious? who writes that stuff?) but I will say that it's a great big, flawed, lump of a film. Funny and sad and violent and tragic, it's got 2 great performances from Brendan Gleeson (who's never bad in anything) and Colin Farrell (who's frequently rubbish in everything, but not this).

The 2 of them are send to Bruges to hide out after a job went wrong back in London. It takes a while to find out what exactly went wrong. By the time we learn the true horror, we've already grown to like the 2 lads. Once we learn the truth though, the pair's behavior changes too. These guys aren't just a couple of chancers spending time in Belgium - they're violent, single-minded killers and you're never far from a reminder of why you don't want to love them.. So far so good but a subplot involving a girl and a dwarf actor on a film set starts to drag things off track. As they get more involved with the actor, you start to feel the contrivances adding up (how did the Canadians find Farrell on the train) and at one point near the end, the re-appearance of the dwarf lets you know where it's all going to end up..

Ralph Feinnes pops up as Harry, the foul-mouthed gangster who has sent the boys to Belgium and his performance swings between a sinister psychopath and a sensitive new man, He's good value even if mostly he's more of a reminder of (Sir) Ben Kingsley's similar bad guy in Sexy Beast.

As the film worked its way through co-incidences and surprises towards its conclusion I was actually quite excited that the filmmakers might be prepared to make the tough choices and not pander to its audience's demand. You know - happy endings and moral lessons. In fairness I won't say what actually happens at the end except to say that the almost got it right apart from the very last scenes on the film set which may have been an attempt at pathos but really just came off as a bad joke..

Still - there's plenty to enjoy. Farrell and Gleeson are terrific, the dialogue is terrific, the jokes, when they come, are funny and the insults are ferocious. In fact, it could be one of the least PC films I've seen for a long time. For all that though, there's lots of good stuff about Jesus, saints, spirituality, heaven and hell and purgatory. At one point Farrell's character compares Bruges to Hell but really I think it was more of a purgatory for both of them. A comfortable fairytale-like waiting room while their fate was decided. If that's the case, they got off lightly. If Bruges is what purgatory is like, I think we'll all be happy.

Defences down

So the Defence Forces are calling for a ban on using the current military trucks in the wake of Tueday's crash on the M50. I don't mean to be disrespectful towards our boys but really if we're getting to the stage that they're not prepared to get in the trucks to drive across town, you have to wonder exactly what they are prepared to do. For years the Irish Army has been a bit of a joke and things like this don't really help. Apart from turning an attractive shade of pink over in 'the Leb' and helping out with the bin collections during a binmen's strike about 25 years ago, does anyone really know what the Army does?

Like I say, I don't mean to put anyone down but having read that Osama Bin Laden is turning his attentions to the EU, you have to hope that he doesn't come knocking on our door. I'm not sure we'd put up much of a fight. Saying that I passed a bunch of soldier boys in the countryside last year and while I'm not quite sure what they're doing, I've no doubt that they could take me in a fight. Thank God I'm a pacifist..

Thursday, March 20, 2008

The Finger of Blame

So Gardai claim to be 'happy' that the British teenager who claimed to have had his finger snapped off in an altercation on O'Connell Street during the St Patrick's Day festivities was never actually assaulted at all.. What a bizarre story.

I always had my doubts about it. Although there was a bit of hassle in town on Paddy's Day, I'd read that the number of serious crimes was in single digits!

Seriously, I crack me up..

What rhymes with crucifixion?

Jurisdiction? Drug addiction? juice and friction?

Been trying to think of a few appropriate Easter songs for the radio show on Saturday and I'm coming up with very little. Is Easter the only major celebration that we don't have popular songs about? Obviously there's no shortage of Christmas songs and Hallowe'en and Valentine's Day are well covered. The Americans have lots of songs aobut July 4th and Thanksgiving (although it occurs to me now that we don't have anything for St. Patrick's Day) and while there aren't any songs about Mother's or Father's Day, there's plenty of songs about mums and dads to fill the gap..

And yet Easter has been left alone. After much searching all I've come up with Irving Berlin's Easter Parade, which is fine but not really what I'm looking for. Elvis Perkins has 2 lovely songs - Ash Wednesday & Good Friday on his album but they're more about death and sprituality than Easter Egg hunts and fluffy bunnies so they don't really count. To say nothing of the fact that, well, you can't exactly tap your feet to them..

That's the problem, isn't it? Easter hasn't really been hijacked by the consumer industry and wrapped up for a willing audience. Not the way Christmas or Valentine's Day has and so songwriters have shied away from singing about it. There's just no rock and roll fun in crucifixion and rebirth..

That doesn't help me much though. Still not to worry - we all have our crosses to bear, right? I'll think of something..

Random? Not likely!


Somebody suggested I put my itunes random setting to less likely to see if it would shake up my random playlist. Have a look - if anything it's made the selection narrower. Hmm - could it be that 'less likely' means it's less likely to be random or does it mean that the songs are less likely to be similar? Next week I'll switch it to more likely and give you an update.. I'm sure you can't wait..

Incidentally, can things be more or less random? Isn't random a binary state? Either something is random or it's not? A bit like people who describe other people as 'complete' strangers. Again, surely a stranger is a stranger or they're not. People say the funniest things..

I know I shouldn't laugh..

Thanks to Sarah for sending this on..

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

For One Night Only..

Bit of a treat on Thursday night.. The Hellser managed to wangle us a night in the Merrion Hotel. While not being averse to a bit of hob-nobbing and luxury, I have to admit that this was a bit of a step-up for me. The last time I was at the Merrion I was standing outside while Bruce Springsteen signed autographs and posed for pictures with a bunch of Italian fans. And me, of course, but that's a different story. This time though I got to see what it was like from Bruce's side of the Merrion's sparkling sliding doors. And it's nice. It's very nice. I don't know how Bruce feels while his boots click and clack their way around the hard marble floors but I can't pretend that I felt at home.. He's probably had a little more practice than I have.

Anyway the Hellser was out with clients so I had the place to myself for a few hours. It's a funny thing - and I'm not looking for sympathy here - but really if you're in the most luxurious hotel room that you've ever seen on your own, does it really matter that it's luxurious? I mean, once you've had your fill of the complimentary chocolate-covered strawberries and a few glasses of Baileys (free!), what else is there to do? What's that? The world's smallest violin? Point taken.. Anyway, I took a bath and played with the safe and had a good root through the minibar (€3.50 for a bag of m&ms, €5.00 for a small tub of Pringles) but soon the novelty wore off and I was just a bloke in a hotel room watching tv. In fluffy slippers. You can see why at this point men of a certain persuasion dial out for strippers and drugs..

After a while I started to feel a little hungry (because the choccy strawberries just weren't filling enough) and I thought of going out but I'd soaked myself in a bath for an hour and, seriously, I just couldn't move. Besides I had a big red face from the bath and I didn't think I could wander around the hotel unnoticed with a tomato where my head used to be! Then I thought of ordering room service but I didn't have anything smaller than a €50 note on me and I'd already stiffed the chap who led me to the room. Do you have to tip everyone in these places? I always tip in restaurants and bars but I've no experience of tipping room service in hotels. Is it like on tv where everyone tips? Fair enough if that's the case but all I had was a €50 and they weren't getting that for a club sandwich! So I didn't order anything. I just lay on the bed.. Too weary to go out and too scared to dial-in.. Trapped. In Paradise.

I wonder does Bruce ever have the same problem. Perhaps he could write a folk song about it sometime. We know how he likes to sing about the under-privileged! I might do it myself and call it the 'Trapped in a 5-Star Hotel With a Bunch of €50 Note Blues' I think that'll appeal to the common man!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

I know what I like..


..and so does itunes, it seems.

I've had my itunes playing on random for the last couple of hours and this is what it's chucked out at me. There's not really much chance that anyone's going to confuse me with anything other than a 35 year-old white man who likes Bruce Springsteen, is there? I mean I can bang on about Roots, Jazz, Tinarimen, Devotchka, Gogol Bordello and whoever else I want (they're all in my itunes library somewhere - I swear!) but, let's be honest, the randomiser doesn't lie..

This is in contrast to Helen's ipod (sorry - her i-touch) which I was listening to this morning on the way to work. In a moment of wanton recklessness I switched it on random and got Pink, Nelly Furtado, Mika, Percy Sledge, Maroon bleedin 5, Madonna, some chancer called Ne-Yo (not Neil Young, as it turned out) Maroon Bleeding 5 again and, happily, the Manic Street Preachers 'If you Tolerate This, Then Your Children Will Be Next' Indeed so.

Apart from Maroon 5, who, frankly, can fuck right off it wasn't the worst listening experience I've ever had. And it was a darn sight cheerier than Elvis Costello, Bob Dylan and Eels..

So go on - what's your randomiser telling you today?

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

A Bridget Too Far?


Coming out of the cinema the other day I noticed this poster for 27 Dresses, the new film starring the lovely Katherine Heigl (her out of Knocked Up and Greys Anatomy) and the handsome and not particularly talented Ed Burns (him out of lots of really bad stuff). I don't want to jump to any conclusions or anything but, having seen the trailer a few times lately, I think I can guess that it's probably not going to be very good..

Here's what caught my eye on the poster though: "Katherine Heigl is the new Bridget Jones" Is she? Is she really? No, of course she isn't. For one thing every other magazine has been passing her off as the new Julia Roberts (she isn't but let's not get distracted). For another, Bridget Jones is a bloody fictional character. How can she be the new Bridget Jones? Nonsense. I'm not sure where the quote originally came from but I imagine it wasn't Sight and Sound and was more than likely Eve or Heat or Gusset or some publication..

So let's see what's happened here. In the absence of anything good to say about the film, the producers have thrown a spurious quotation at the wall in the hope that the magic words 'Bridget Jones' will somehow fool the target (female, in other words) audience.. As if girls will look at it and think - "Hey - it says Bridget Jones on the poster. I'm a single girl. Bridget Jones was a single girl. The girl in this film must be single too. We're all, like, practically the same" and rush off to see the film..

Incidentally, I always laugh when single girls try to pass themselves off as some kind of Bridget-type character. As if hating your job, drinking too much, banging on about diets and saying 'fuck' a lot needs contextualising. Let's see, Bridget Jones starts off working in publishing before moving into tv presenting and ends with Hugh Grant and Colin Firth literally fighting over her. Is that a true reflection of the single girl's lot? Of course not. Now listen, I'm a realist. I understand that it's all just a bit of fun and none of it is supposed to be taken seriously but I just think that posters like that is just a bit insulting to all the, eh, lovely ladeeeez.

Will it work? Any girls want to comment? Isn't there something patronising to women the way films like this are promoted? Or am I getting uppity over nothing.

No wait, don't answer that..

Monday, March 10, 2008

Never cared much for Blueberrys..

I went to see My Blueberry Nights yesterday at the cinema.. I'd been told how bad it is but with the amount of talent at its disposal, I had to see for myself. Truth be told, it's actually hard to describe how bad it was. Imagine how hard it is to find yorself feeling sorry for some of the most beautiful people on the planet, particluarly when they've also been lauded as being amongst the best at what they do, but Norah Jones, Natalie Portman, Jude Law and Rachel Weisz all looked so ill-at-ease in Kar Wai Wong's aimless road movie, that I couldn't help but feel for them. Perhaps since it was Wong's first English language film, something got a little lost in translation but they really looked like they didn't know what they were supposed to be doing. Even David Straitairn - solid, reliable, Good Night and Good Luck's Oscar nominated David Straithairn looked so uncomfortable that you just wanted it all to end as soon as possible.

The story goes like this: Jude Law runs a cafe in the Bronx. One evening Norah Jones comes in looking for her boyfriend. Jude tells Norah that the boyf has been in with a different girl, eating pork chops and having the laugh. Norah is sad and leaves lover boy's keys in a jar. There's lots of keys in the jar. Even Jude has keys in the jar. They were his ex-girlfriend's but she's gone now. Jude then tells her something about blueperry pie. That at the end of every night in the cafe, he always has a full blueperry pie. The apple pie is always gone and the pear cobbler is almost gone but he always has lots of blueberry pie left over. He tells Norah that it's not the pie's fault that nobody wants to eat it and how he can't bring himself to stop making it. Because you know, there'll always be someone looking for that slice of pie. You just don't know when or where. Jude and Norah eat a lot of pie and the soundtrack plays Cat Power's 'The Greatest' over and over again. And then Norah leaves and goes to Memphis where she takes a couple of jobs, meets David Straitharn's alcoholic cop (and his wife, Rachel Wiesz) and tries to save money for a car.. All the while she's sending postcards back to Jude in the Bronx. Jude misses her terribly but has no way to contact her. Are you feeling his pain? Me neither.

So Norah cuts outta Memphis and heads for Vegas, where she still works 2 jobs and tries to save money for a car. Here she meets Natalie Portman's gambling hussy. THey befriend each other and after a poker game goes wrong, they hit the road and drive to Vegas. Wait, I thought they were in Vegas. Perhaps they were in Nevada. They drive somewhere. And then Norah buys a car. And drives to the Bronx. But before she gets there, Jude's ex girlfriend shows up. And blimey - it's Cat Power! They talk about keys a lot. She said she came back to see if her keys were still there. Jude says that they're gone. Cat says that sometimes you don't need a key to get back in the door. If it's unlocked, like. And Jude tells her that sometimes even if the door is wide open and you've come to the right house, the person you're lookinbg for probably isn't there. And then Jude smiles his little smile and made a mental note to fire his agent..

Norah comes to the cafe, they eat some pie, kiss and fall asleep on the counter top. Or something.

Really, it's rubbish. Terrible. In fairness you'd have to say that Norah Jones isn't the worst thing in it but that might be because she's not a proper actor. The others knew they were in the tall grass but Norah just muddles through and in fact, in one scene with Natalie Portman, there's almost a moment where she seems comfortable and at ease. Just for a second and then it was gone..

I see these things so you don't have to..

Josh Almighty

About 2 months ago I posted about how much I loved Josh Ritter's song Right Moves. Despite thinking that I should know better, I said that it was just one of those songs that you know you'll grow tired of soon but in the meantime, you can't stop listening to it. Gerry tried to help me along by pointing out that it sounded like the theme song to Only Fools and Horses, and although I can see where he's coming from I have to say that I'm still not sick of it yet..

I've been listeining a lot to the live show on npr that I was talking about at the same time and now, this evening, I found this clip of 'To The Dogs or Whoever' on the Letterman show last month. I think I have a new favourite song!



"She makes the most of her time by loving me plenty
She knows there'll come a time when we won't be getting any"

Quality atuff - I feel bad for missing out on so many of his live shows over the last few years.. Still I'm sure he'll be back.

Letterman's getting on though, isn't he? In the mid 90s, ITV started to broadcast his chatshow every night. I was a huge fan. At the end of every show I'd record the musical performances from whatever band he had on. Somewhere at home there's a VHS tape with a lot of fantastic clips on it. I suppose they're all on youtube now. I've just looked now though and I can't find the clip from the evening Van Morrison, Sinead O'Connor and the Chieftains did Have I Told You Lately. I'm guessing it must have been around St. Patricks Day 1995. Anyway, it was a terrific performance. Van spent the whole time trying to make Sinead laugh and he ended the song by marching over to her microphone and knocking it over. As the Chieftains finished up, Van and Sinead collapsed like a couple of naughty schoolchildren. It's probaly the last recorded clip of Van MOrrison having a good time!

After The Fall


This is my elbow..

You may recall that a fortnight ago I took a short-cut coming down the stairs and landed elegantly in a screaming heap in my doorway. Well apart from a cut arm and a bruised back, I thought I got away lightly. In as much as I ever do anything lightly. Well today when I got to work, I noticed a little bit of stiffness in my left elbow. It felt a little tender and warm, and as the morning progresed it got warmer and tenderer.. By lunchtime I couldn't bend my elbow at all. As the pain got worse and my whimpering got louder, I took the only action that was open to me. I googled it!

It took me a little while to source because I wasn't really sure what I should enter in the search field. Sore elbow? Watery joints? Busty Swedish netball players (always a popular search!)? FInally I entered 'fluid on the elbow' into the search and came up with the answer I was looking for. Actually, the answer I was looking for was 'you're elbow is fine - go back to the netball page' but the answer I got told me that I am, in fact, suffering from something called 'Bursitis'

Now you probably already know what Bursitis is but I had no idea.. Turns out that since I fell, water has been gathering in my elbow and the bursa (one of hundreds of Bursa in our bodies designed to aid movement between joints) has become inflamed.. The normal treatment of one of these things is to drain it with a syringe (nice!) but when I got home this evening, Dr. Maeve had a look and told me that so long as I rest my elbow (how do you rest your elbow? I mean you can't put it up on a footstool, can you?) and take lots of anti-inflammatorys, I should be ok in a few days. I'm not so sure because at the moment I can't bend my elbow at all, but we'll see how it goes..

Seriously though, the body is a mental thing, isn't it? Who knew we had hundreds of Bursa? What else is going on inside me that I don't know about? What are these lung things I keep hearing about?

Monday, March 3, 2008

Words Fail Me

Thanks to Springer over on The Word blog for this..