Never cared much for Blueberrys..

I went to see My Blueberry Nights yesterday at the cinema.. I'd been told how bad it is but with the amount of talent at its disposal, I had to see for myself. Truth be told, it's actually hard to describe how bad it was. Imagine how hard it is to find yorself feeling sorry for some of the most beautiful people on the planet, particluarly when they've also been lauded as being amongst the best at what they do, but Norah Jones, Natalie Portman, Jude Law and Rachel Weisz all looked so ill-at-ease in Kar Wai Wong's aimless road movie, that I couldn't help but feel for them. Perhaps since it was Wong's first English language film, something got a little lost in translation but they really looked like they didn't know what they were supposed to be doing. Even David Straitairn - solid, reliable, Good Night and Good Luck's Oscar nominated David Straithairn looked so uncomfortable that you just wanted it all to end as soon as possible.

The story goes like this: Jude Law runs a cafe in the Bronx. One evening Norah Jones comes in looking for her boyfriend. Jude tells Norah that the boyf has been in with a different girl, eating pork chops and having the laugh. Norah is sad and leaves lover boy's keys in a jar. There's lots of keys in the jar. Even Jude has keys in the jar. They were his ex-girlfriend's but she's gone now. Jude then tells her something about blueperry pie. That at the end of every night in the cafe, he always has a full blueperry pie. The apple pie is always gone and the pear cobbler is almost gone but he always has lots of blueberry pie left over. He tells Norah that it's not the pie's fault that nobody wants to eat it and how he can't bring himself to stop making it. Because you know, there'll always be someone looking for that slice of pie. You just don't know when or where. Jude and Norah eat a lot of pie and the soundtrack plays Cat Power's 'The Greatest' over and over again. And then Norah leaves and goes to Memphis where she takes a couple of jobs, meets David Straitharn's alcoholic cop (and his wife, Rachel Wiesz) and tries to save money for a car.. All the while she's sending postcards back to Jude in the Bronx. Jude misses her terribly but has no way to contact her. Are you feeling his pain? Me neither.

So Norah cuts outta Memphis and heads for Vegas, where she still works 2 jobs and tries to save money for a car. Here she meets Natalie Portman's gambling hussy. THey befriend each other and after a poker game goes wrong, they hit the road and drive to Vegas. Wait, I thought they were in Vegas. Perhaps they were in Nevada. They drive somewhere. And then Norah buys a car. And drives to the Bronx. But before she gets there, Jude's ex girlfriend shows up. And blimey - it's Cat Power! They talk about keys a lot. She said she came back to see if her keys were still there. Jude says that they're gone. Cat says that sometimes you don't need a key to get back in the door. If it's unlocked, like. And Jude tells her that sometimes even if the door is wide open and you've come to the right house, the person you're lookinbg for probably isn't there. And then Jude smiles his little smile and made a mental note to fire his agent..

Norah comes to the cafe, they eat some pie, kiss and fall asleep on the counter top. Or something.

Really, it's rubbish. Terrible. In fairness you'd have to say that Norah Jones isn't the worst thing in it but that might be because she's not a proper actor. The others knew they were in the tall grass but Norah just muddles through and in fact, in one scene with Natalie Portman, there's almost a moment where she seems comfortable and at ease. Just for a second and then it was gone..

I see these things so you don't have to..