Coming in your ear

I don't mean to sound bitter but I gave up a long time ago on several of my youthful ambitions. The chances of me lining out at centre-back in an Ireland team at the World Cup may be beyond me now and it seems unlikely that Bruce Springsteen is going to be calling by the Towers to ask me to play rhythm guitar in the E Street Band. For one thing I don't play too well and for another he already has about 7 guitarists up there with him so one more might just be too much. Similarly I probably won't be stepping onto the stage at the Oscars to take my rightful place beside Daniel Day Lewis and Marion Cotillard (see - I'd be happy with a supporting actor nod) or sitting in the control room producing Bob Dylan's next record.

But on Saturday I got to realise a little ambition that I've been harbouring for years. For as long as I can remember (not very long, then) I've wanted to sit in a radio studio, pop on a pair of headphones and address the nation! The funnt thing is that I don't even listen to a lot of radio anymore. I download a lot of podcasts from RTE and the Beeb and tune in to Simon Mayo's show on 5live most days but other than that I don't really pay attention to most stations. A few years ago I took part in a telephone survey about what radio stations I listen to. At the end of the survey after I had expressed my dissatisfaction with most of the music and presenters I hear on the radio, I was asked if there was anyone I'd like to hear on the radio. I said that I wanted to hear me on the radio and we both laughed and finished the survey. Of course I never did anything about it (I mean, why would I?) but on Saturday I finally got the chance..

Helen's friend Anne Louise (we call her Alf) co-presents a show on Dublin City radio. Retrospective Perspective goes out on Saturdays at noon and is, I suppose, a fairly informal rundown of the weeks news, interrupted by the occasional interview or discussion and a lot of great music. I'd listened to it a couple of times and when I met Alf in the Gravediggers on Friday night we talked (briefly) about the chance that I might come in sometime and see how it all works..

Anyway, Friday turned into a late night of pots of stout and a sneaky bag of chips on the way home. As I lay in bed on Saturday morning I briefly thought of Alf having to go off to present a radio show while I nursed a hangover and flicked through (reading was beyond me at the time) the latest issue of The Word. Moments later Helen got a text message from Alf saying that her co-presenter couldn't make it and would I be interested in sitting in with her. Of course my first (and second) reaction was to say no. After all, I was hungover. And we had stuff to do in the house. And we needed to prepare for a party we were having that evening. And sure, I'd never get there in time. And it was a bit windy outside. And I was very sore from falling down the stairs. And yes, maybe just a little but, I was a bit nervous. Helen wasn't having any of it and told me, quite rightly, that if I didn't do it now i probably never would and that I should seize a chance when it arrives.. So, having called her to say I was going, and being told that we were discussing Sweden and Facebook, I jumped in the car and headed for the studio..

When I got there, I was lead into the studio, where Alf had already begun the show, and all of a sudden I was there. In a room! With a cd player! And a microphone! It was fantastic! As the opening song faded out, Alf quickly asked me what my surname was (we've only met each other a handful of times) before introducing me to the country. Well, the city. Ot ar least part of the city. More specifically, to the 11 listeners that Alf claimes to have. That made me feel better. I thought "I can speak to 11 people. Of course I can" Of course what I soon figured out is that you're not really talking to 11 people, you're talking to one. And I can definitely do that!

So we quickly ran through the papers picking out whatever stories interested us - showbiz stuff mostly, I suppose, and I offered opinions on many really important issues including Colin Farrell, Bruce Forsythe's birthday, Gazza's mental breaksdown, Dustin's Eurovision entry and where Bono might buy his fat-heeled shoes.. I wasn't involved in the interview with the Swedish musician that Alf talked to because we hadn't got my earphones working at the point (and because I'd probably say something stupid) but afterwards we had a discussion/debate thingy about the pros and cons of Facebook with a contributor on the phone. I thought it actually went well. I mean nobody was going to confuse it with a presidential debate but I felt it was pretty light-hearted and hopefully a little bit entertaining.

When the Facebook discussion ended, there was just time for an Abba song to finish the show (Knowing Me, Knowing You, since you ask) and that was it. My first tentative foray into radio was over. The hour flew by and I must say it was an absolute blast and a bit of a thrill..

Afterwards one of the other presenters complimented me and said I sounded good and that, in my favour, I didn't say 'ehhhh' and 'y'know' or 'like' very much, like. You know? I suppose that's a start, at least.

I don't know if I'm going to get to do something like it again but I'd absolutely love to. And hey - if I get to it again, I'll tell you all. And maybe if you all tune in we can bump Alf's numbers up to 12 or 13!